i am using my newsletter to avoid thinking about my show
it is not working, but here is a series of disjointed thoughts anyway
I’ve been back on Instagram for the sake of promoting my upcoming show (which we are not thinking about) (also, kinda silly place to promote it, because the vast majority of my engaged Instagram following is still based in Ireland but oh well), which has been weird after being almost entirely off of it since the beginning of the year. I have a lot of thoughts about it, which I will be presenting here in no particular order.
(hello, this is a separate section of the newsletter. I am, for now, calling it “The Weekly Narcissist”. It may or may not be weekly, but it will probably be more frequent than the main newsletter (which will probably just be monthly ish?), and thus I am including this disclaimer to let you know that if that is TOO MUCH for your inbox, you can unsubscribe from just this section! and I will not mind. or even notice, actually. I don’t know where to see who subscribes to what and I’m blissful in my ignorance. overall, I think the vibe will be more personal-blog-gy? just the extra stuff for when I have toooo much to say in a month. thus far it seems like I’m picking what feel like the more half-baked thoughts to put in this section. I did recently find *stats* for how different newsletters perform though and actually all of the most popular ones have been from the Weekly Narcissist category?? so maybe you will miss out on something great if you unsubscribe. it’s all part of the game.)
(also, I have definitely been using the newsletter to distract myself from thinking about my show all month, hence SO MANY NEWSLETTERS THIS MONTH. I do think we’ll go back to much more minimal programming once this is done)
I liked being off Instagram more than I like being back on Instagram. I think once my show is done, I will go back to being off of it.
HOWEVER, I have been getting to talk to a lot of people that I hadn’t been talking to because I wasn’t on Instagram. And I missed a lot of those people! So I think I will be a bit more intentional about the process of getting off Instagram this time and really make an effort to stay in touch with those people in other ways. I will be brave and get their non-Instagram contact information (side note, I know when I started this newsletter up again at the beginning of the year a lot of you gave me your addresses and I swore we’d be pen pals and then I proceeded to not send anyone any mail. I told myself it was because life was crazy and I would be better when life was less crazy, but as it seems that life will never not be crazy, I am working on building the habit despite that).
ALSO, because I have been on Instagram, a friend that I hadn’t seen or spoken to in AGES happened to see that I live in Missoula now, and her band is coming through Missoula, and she messaged me about that, and now I’m going to get to see her, and I definitely would have missed her if I had not been on Instagram right now. How many old friends have I missed seeing/will I miss seeing by being off Instagram??? (this is the false sense of scarcity that social media creates that I hate, but that feels so real).
Another nice internet thing that happened was that I posted I was in desperate need of packing materials for packing the-things-that-will-not-be-named for the event-that-will-not-be-named, and the people of the internet came through and I received enough packaging material to pack my work and restock my hoard for everyone else at the clay studio to use. I also got a lot of good information about other places around town to get free packing materials if I need more in the future. I would not have thought to/been able to reach out to any of those people if not for being on Instagram right now!
I have been in a Not Great Brain Space for much of my time back on Instagram, and the algorithm is evil and picks up on that and will feed me exclusively content that is incredibly rude and mean given my Current Brain Rot, and I do not appreciate it.
When I got off Instagram, I realized that the majority of my news came from Instagram. That’s definitely not where I want my news to be coming from. I was already subscribed to a local news non-profit, and I started actually reading those emails when I got off Instagram, but I haven’t found anything I like for receiving world news (am taking recommendations). This has resulted in me being mostly ignorant of what’s going on in the wider world, which is not great, but I am not convinced that being more informed via Instagram at the moment is any better. I’m pretty sure I’m more active and effective in opposing the systems that allow for all the horrible things (which I’m more informed about due to being on the internet) when I’m off the internet.
I keep feeling like I’m being reminded that I’ve always felt like Instagram is a great tool for community - but then immediately after that, I’m reminded about why I backed away from Instagram in the first place: the urgency and scarcity mindsets it fosters, and the way that effort and intentionality are lessened/removed by the convenience it provides. I don’t want the way I exist in community to be rooted in urgency, scarcity, and convenience. I’m not saying that these things are inherent in community via Instagram (I may be strongly implying it, and I may kinda believe it, but I am refraining from stating it as objective fact), but they are what seem to inevitably show up for me.
artistic research for a holistic practice
flowers (a recurring category as long as they are still blooming)
saltwater
things that are silly
indulgences
bits and bobs
I kind of feel like I’m shifting back into a more serious way of making. like, hearkening back to kaitlynn-in-academia times. which I think is okay? I just hope I can maintain a certain lack of seriousness at the same time. it’s been so nice to have a long break from taking my work so seriously.
the thing that has made me think this is that I’ve been really mentally fixated on the form and process for the ceramic pieces I made for my show, and then I started referring to them as “fragments”, and then we were at the theater watching Spirited Away and I was thinking about them again and I had the thought “ohh, they’re about memory. of course.”
speaking of Spirited Away, seeing that was my first time seeing a Miyazaki film. I liked it. I saw Howl’s Moving Castle, my second Miyazaki film, a few days later. I liked that one even better. Miyazaki is good at films.
I should do a newsletter updating you all on what a MOVIE PERSON (well really more of a going-to-the-movies person. I still don’t think I’m a movie person) I’ve become since earning free movies and popcorn for a year after making it through the groundhog day marathon. I have seen THIRTEEN MOVIES at the theater since the marathon. I’m pretty sure under normal circumstances, I generally see an average of 2-3 movies a year in theaters. I have seen six years worth of movies in 4 months. and eaten six years worth of popcorn.
whilst on Instagram, I’ve been seeing a lot of “you’re not sad, you just need to move to Europe” reels from people in their early 20s, and I want to tell them all that when I was 20, I too was sad and I moved to Europe to run away from it, but it turned out the sad actually just lived in my brain, which I did unfortunately have to bring with me to Europe.
I have borrowed a car a few times recently, and this has helped me remember that the greatest thing about not having a car, which I did not include in my list of reasons I like not having a car, is not having to deal with the hell that is other drivers.
it also reminded me of the best thing about having a car though, which is the ability to arrive home and then just chill in your car for twenty minutes doing nothing before finally getting out.
I’ll wrap up with another fun no-context note from my notes app that I scrolled past just now - “Venus in Virgo is suspicious of flowers”. maybe this is how I should always finish the newsletter. so many good notes in there.
xoxo,
the mindful narcissist