this is all the stuff* I've been doing (2)

*non-clay art stuff, but actually there's still some clay

(part 1, featuring more clay things, here)

I AM HAVING A SHOW

layers and layers and layers of clocks (time as assemblage)

A solo show. In about a month and a half. There is still a lot I need to finish for it. Also, I am kind of getting cold feet. I haven’t show my work like this since grad school, which in this context feels like a very very long time ago now (in reality, my final show was 6 years ago this month, which is not toooo long ago). And showing work is really vulnerable !!

(life has been making me be very vulnerable in very many ways lately, and it is * e x h a u s t i n g *, and I think I deserve several gold stars for not just giving up on the whole horrifying ordeal of being known)

The show is basically a multi-media installation version of the publication I created after my guerrilla residency at the Museum of Time in Waterford, Ireland (which you can view on my website here. it is one of three things I actually have available there). I’m going to have large prints of several of the photos I took there on the walls, along with quotes and visitor responses from the publication, large clock paintings layered with ceramic pieces hanging from the ceiling suspended in the space, smaller zine versions of the publication, a sound piece composed of recordings of the clocks in the museum, and a few walls dedicated to prompting and recording further responses from visitors to the show.

1. there was a week when everyone at work was out of town and the gallery was empty so I turned it into my studio for the week and I had forgotten how nice it is to just be able to sit with your work all day and make tiny adjustments over time 2. after many many months of debating adding clay to the show, I have decided to add clay to the show. maybe. if these pieces turn out and I can manage to get them to california in one piece

I AM ALSO HAVING A CRISIS

Zola and I co-wrote the artist’s biography that I had to submit for my solo show. This was a particularly good moment in the beginning of our collaborative effort.

Once upon a time, back in grad school, we had a visiting lecturer whom I made very angry by asking “do you think you make good work?” I planned to ask him whether he thought his work mattered the following year when he returned, but I ended up being out of town that week (a shame) (I have run into him again since then and he seemed to have no memory of us butting heads and we got along very well). I am now getting the appropriate payback for being a brat at that time, as these are the questions that have been haunting me for the entirety of this year so far.

I have not made Objects as a part of my practice since grad school, and making Objects in clay really kicked off the crisis. It feels almost irresponsible to bring things into the world that don’t need to exist. But how do you learn if you don’t bring things into the world? Would bringing them into the world be justified if they had Meaning? My practice is mostly about process, so the thing that matters to me and has Meaning is the act of making. But then once things are fired and exist in a very permanent-feeling way and can be perceived by others…what’s the point? Does the work I make matter? The reason I love the objects I make is because I did the making. I think it matters that I made the objects. No one else did the making though, so why do they need to exist outside of my own memory of the experience?

(I would like to acknowledge now that if someone else was articulating this same crisis to me, I would think they were being Very Silly)

I do believe the community-focused work I do matters. I think my job working at the clay studio helping to facilitate a community space - which I do see as a part of my practice - matters. The publication that my show is based on - I think that matters. I think the fact that I haunted the Museum of Time for a month and got visitors to answer creative prompts and draw and write haikus and think about time and that specific space in a way that might have felt a little weird to them and made friends with all the staff and volunteers matters. I think the show I’m having matters because I’m also going to encourage and collect responses from folks who come to see it there. But is the work I’m putting in the show good? I have to submit a mailing list soon for anyone I want to have receive a post card inviting them to my show. I found the office addresses for two of my college professors that were really important mentors to me, because I want them to come and see my work - but immediately after finding their addresses, I became very unsure whether I actually wanted them to see my work. Is it good enough to show off to them? Will they be disappointed that it’s so different from what I was making when I was 20? (okay typing that out has immediately made it obvious how ridiculous that question is. no one makes good work when they’re 20. if my work now was not different from the work I was making when I was 20, I think we would all be very disappointed. will now strike that from my list of things to be having a crisis about.)

I do kind of think that this is all goes back to vulnerability, and being perceived. My work has existed in such a private way for several years now, and I haven’t had many reasons to think about how someone who doesn’t know me at all might see it. The zine club let me share work in a very intimate way with people who got to know me pretty well over those three years, and had a lot of context for what I was creating. I think in the last year, I’ve found myself being less socially outgoing than I have been in several years. I’ve become extremely conscious of being perceived - which has been a fairly new and strange experience for me. I’m not really sure what the root of it is. But retreating a bit has provided a lot of comfort. Not posting on instagram has felt great. Having a newsletter feels more like the zine club - an intimate way to share things.

This whole vulnerability crisis doesn’t feel bad most of the time, so I’m just observing and riding it out and letting myself say very silly things as I try to articulate what’s in my head. I figure when I’m through it, I’ll look back and find I’ve learned a lot. And for now, it feels very indulgent to be so dramatic and angsty about it.

ARTISTIC RESEARCH FOR A HOLISTIC PRACTICE

inspiring new underpass graffiti, very relevant for our weekend away

I do know that as long as I remain committed to having most of my artistic research take place outside of the studio, I’ll be okay.

A bunch of us had a weekend away at a cabin in Stevensville. It was a beautiful home in the most beautiful location, and most importantly, it had a hot tub. While we were there, it snowed. And then we got to be in a hot tub while it was snowing. Life is magical. Aside from hot tubbing, we did puzzles and ate food and took walks and did tarot. It was a whole lot of very healing nothing. Nothing is a very important part of a holistic artistic practice.

Montana spring drives me INSANE. This year has been better than last year, because I at least knew what to expect going into it, but the emotional whiplash that the back and forth of the weather gives me still feels unbearable some days. Even when there’s a blizzard one day and you’re sweating in shorts and a t-shirt the next, though, there are always flowers. Flowers are a very important part of a holistic artistic practice.

We noticed that we were going on a lot of dates with people that were not each other (yay, romance), and declared it time to Restore the Sanctity of Marriage. We have gone on many on purpose dates with each other, and even got matching tattoos. Being in love is a very important part of a holistic artistic practice.

Miscellanea: 1. our coffee shop is our home ~ 2. I want more physical newspapers in my life (really, just the crossword and sudoku pages) ~ 3. family ~ 4. gifts are spells ~ 5. art ~ 6. also art ~ 7. feelings are food ~ 8. the sky is also food ~ 9. this is a collage I made for the clay studio’s big big annual fundraiser and you could bid on it (or a lot of other great work) here ~~~ Presence is a very important part of a holistic artistic practice.

BITS & BOBS

• Do you have a favorite recipe? Send me your favorite recipe. I want to have a robust start to a little recipe box by the end of 2025.

• I somehow became subscribed to the magazine “Cowboys and Indians”…two years ago now? I have received a digital edition of the magazine every two months. My subscription finally ended this week. I may never know who did this to me.

• I have gone to the movies SO MANY TIMES this month. Will all the free movies I get with my Groundhog Day membership finally turn me into a Movie Person?? I think it’s more likely that it will turn me into a Going to the Movies Person. I do really enjoy the whole ritual of going there and sitting in a dark room with a lot of other people all watching the same thing. I still have very little desire to watch movies outside of that context.

• Speaking of which, this week is the International Wildlife Film Festival, and we went to see one of the documentaries about a man in Ireland going around recording the sounds of every species on the island and it made me cry. Every time I’ve heard an Irish accent in the last month I have cried. One of my friends from Ireland sent me a voice message the other day and I listened to it five times in a row and cried. It’ll be 4 years this year since I moved back and being away has not actually gotten any easier.

• We went to a birthday party where we were taught a line dance and I remembered that I am really good at picking up line dances. I attribute this to my years as a mormon teenager.

xoxo,

the mindful narcissist